I'm already exhausted, I've installed Discourse on several VPSs and none of them work for me

I am honestly not going to read all the replies here, but are you using Cloudflare? If you are, disable it while installing the first time, after its fine, but both LetsEncrypt and Discourse misbehave when using Cloudflare because it can’t see your ip. It instead sees Cloudflares IP. Which can then sometimes mess with (in my experience) with successfully installing/setting up.