I'm already exhausted, I've installed Discourse on several VPSs and none of them work for me

Oh yeah! Apologies @pfaffman!

Did the OP assume just adding a hostname to app.yml automatically paid a registrar and completed the registration?

@Picho_Pelis I suggest you register this domain asap if you want to claim it!

No wonder letsencrypt couldn’t handle the request!

@pfaffman’s post should be marked as Solution

OK the mystery deepens.