There’s an economy of scale here. Such an engineering change is significant. Were the above possible, the performance implications are such that your additional running costs would likely eclipse the cost of a consultant to fix your database.
Databases exist because they are vastly more efficient than the alternative, flat text files.
The software is free, but that’s as far as it goes. You’re going to far be better off making a short term investment in a Marketplace topic than promoting an approach which makes Discourse too costly to run.