Need some quick queries written, paid work

My S3 bill has got too expensive and I moved back to using local uploads. I still have a huge amount of my site referencing S3 which I need to delete. The amount of uploads I have on S3 is too big for the disk I have on my local machine so I just want to get rid of them. It’s all memes and whatnot, none of the content is relevant anymore about a week after it is posted. Here’s what I want to do:

  1. Change everyone with an avatar hosted on S3 to something local and funny, so my site doesn’t show broken images as avatars.
  2. Remove any embeds of S3-hosted images from the bodies of old posts so my site isn’t showing broken images in old comments.
  3. If any post bodies are subsequently empty as a result of image removals, delete those posts so I don’t have a bunch of blank posts.
  4. Be sure to delete from the image hash/deduplication table all uploads that went to S3, so that when people re-upload an image it doesn’t just dump a link to the S3 bucket in the post, which will serve a broken image.

When these steps are done I can delete my S3 bucket.

Let me know your bid for this.

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